Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
