I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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