Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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