i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
