how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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