I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
