Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize