Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
