BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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