Your mouth is God's brothel.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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