I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
