I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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