it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
