so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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