I am midnight drunk by noon
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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