my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
