I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
