I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
