I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
