If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
