so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
