I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
