Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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