i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
