After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
