Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
