You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
