i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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