Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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