you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
40s are totally the cure
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
