I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
