glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
