you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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