I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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