Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
