You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
