the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
