I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
