If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
