I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
