6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
