dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
