I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize