you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
