we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
