The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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