Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize