bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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