i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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