is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
God, I missed his penis.
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