Dude my mom stole all your condoms
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How's work?
Spinning.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
