how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
