dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize