This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think a kid would responsible me up
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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